I used to get so frustrated with myself. I would get mad when I displayed another one of my “classic Christine” screw-ups: not responding in a timely way to someone who reached out to me, forgetting to write thank you notes, losing my temper over a trivial matter, lying to someone (to their face) because I didn’t have the courage to speak the truth, gossiping. I could go on and on. And the list could get darker and darker.
Several years back, I was especially annoyed with myself over these issues. I decided to prove to God that he was wasting his time on me because it was clear these flaws were not disappearing. I was supposed to be a “new creature”; I felt more like crappy creature than a transformed one. I sat myself down like an angry parent puts a toddler in a corner and wagged an accusatory finger at myself, demanding I make a list of all my perpetual sins and screws ups. It was a “look at what a very bad girl you are” exercise.
I wrote and wrote. The list was long. The more I wrote, the more miserable and angry I felt with myself. I had confessed all these before, but today this toxic list was overwhelming. I sat at the Starbucks table and I remember staring at that hopeless piece of paper. I knew God had it out for me and I was ready for Him to point HIS accusatory finger at me now.
I sat in silence for a bit. But instead of accusations, my heart felt invited to freedom. Not often have I felt something enter like this as truth into my depths. The paradoxical lightness of these words were whispered to my soul:
“I know about that list, Christine. I don’t care about that list the way you think I do. Have you not heard of my mercy?”
It was such a startling message, like a rainstorm on a hot summer’s evening. And as sure as I sit here today, His message of grace and mercy flooded me in that little corner of Starbucks. I had battered myself with frustration, impatience, and intolerance and I expected the same from God. I had choked down judgment and self-condemnation but my soul was truly thirsty for grace and mercy.
I sat, pondering this reality. I thought of how many times in scripture people cried out to God, “Have mercy on me!” So what did this truth mean to me and my list?
What changed that day was the realization that God was not surprised or devastated by my list. I could not out-sin His grace. But I thought it was my job to stay perpetually frustrated with myself as my way of showing God that I was taking sin seriously. But he showed me that he wanted me to take His GRACE seriously. And crazy enough, that revelation helped those perpetual sins on “the list” actually show up less and less. It didn’t happen overnight. Change is always slow. With many back steps and new starts and stops. I began to be more gentle with myself when I blew it. I began to tell my soul to display grace and mercy to ME, just like God does. My emotional world became less chaotic without the screams of self-criticism.(Who operates well when they are being yelled at all the time, anyway??) I learned to listen better to the gentle promptings from the Holy Spirit. And I learned to confess my sin quickly and LET IT GO. I quit calling myself flawed identity names like lazy, stupid, idiot, lame, bad mom/wife. I let God convict me of sin while I stayed in my true identity as God’s beloved.
So, I ask you, “Have you heard of His mercy?” No more long list making like that for me. Anyone else out there ready to give up their list as well? ♥
“Grace is infinitely bigger than we imagine. Scarcely have we lost our way when God brings us back.” Paul Tournier
