Grace upon grace. It is a phrase of encouragement I repeat to my clients all day long in my job as a therapist. But truth be told, as much as I proclaim it to them, I am preaching to my own battered soul. I offer grace to others, but I have trouble leaning down to gather for myself that grace-based provision of daily manna off the dusty desert ground.
Gathering up that manna represents a new spiritual practice for me: the practice of nurturing the younger version of me.
I'll be 53 this year. I’m relishing the wisdom and slowness the fifties are bringing. The empty-nesting stage has provided ample opportunity to reflect on my 28 years of marriage, the early parenting years, my friendships, my family relationships, and my relationship with God. But those reflections can cause me to flinch sometimes! As intentional as I was and as pure as my motives were at the time, I cringe at some of the “younger me” moments.
What was the younger me doing, causing me now to wince? I abandoned my carefree, playful nature in favor of being an uptight Perfect Christian Mother who raised Perfect Christian Child 1, 2 and 3. I was so concerned with hiding God’s word in their hearts that I stuffed it down their throats. (Yes, every time they washed their sweet little elementary school hands they had to stare at James 4:8 I taped to the mirror: “Come near to God and He will draw near to you. WASH YOUR HANDS YOU SINNERS AND PURIFY YOUR HEARTS, YOU DOUBLE-MINDED.” You’re wincing with me, right?) I was more judgmental and anxious because my black and white, binary thinking convinced me to believe there was only ONE right way to do things. I was more obedience-demanding than connection-building, concerned more with how the kids behaved than how they might need to feel safe from my seething frustrations. My faith became embarrassingly formulaic. (“God, I will make the kids do their chores and memorize weekly scripture verses and you will make darn sure they will never rebel. God, I will serve you faithfully and you make sure I never have to suffer.”)
When I envision that younger me, I want to fuss at her for being rigid. I want to roll my eyes at her for being judgy. I want to belittle her for her short sightedness in caring too deeply about what other people thought of her. But instead, I offer her grace. I nurture that younger me by accepting her and loving her.
Because she is me.
And God has spoken His unfailing and immeasurable love over me and nothing can separate me from that love. Not even the mistakes of the younger me.
How do I nurture the younger me? Grace upon grace. I see the young-bride-me who wanted things to go her way every time and I tell her that her selfishness has been crucified with Christ. I tell the younger me she was parenting those 3 kids under 3 with incredible courage, despite her exhaustion. I watch old videos and tell her I am proud of her zeal and commitment, even though that zeal looks a bit like legalism to me now.
Nurturing the younger version of me allows me to accept her, to love her, to forgive her, and to show her grace, because she was doing the very best she knew how to do at the time. Grace upon grace. It is the mantra that pulls ME out of a pit of shame, self-criticism, and judgment. When I make mistakes, when I look back and regret decisions, I whisper to myself the hope of the gospel of grace and mercy. Praise be to God we are constantly growing and changing (2 Cor. 3:18).
We all are making mistakes as we go. Let’s look back more gently, okay? To nurture the younger version of ourselves, we MUST pay attention to what our internal voice sounds like. Does it sound like a friend or a foe? God is our defender, not our accuser! When you look back on your past failures, your flesh will be tempted to look back with words like “I’ve never been __________ enough (skinny, pretty, smart, educated, loved, brave). I was so stupid. I’m a failure. I’m an idiot. I’m worthless. I’m so ashamed. I’m too much.” Those are painful words of judgment.
Our reflections on our past must be marked by grace and compassion instead. Remember, it is God’s kindness that leads us to repentance. (Rom. 2:4) Try changing the tone of your voice to a softer one, a more gentle one. Watch for accusatory words you are saying to yourself and change them to words of hope and forgiveness. And you can steal one of my very favorite tricks when shame is hunting you down: Imagine that younger version of you. While grinning, shrug both your shoulders, wink at her, and say out loud, “Well, she was doing the best she could at that moment and now, by the grace of God, she knows better so she can do better!”
As we learn better, we do better. Grace upon grace. ♥
