Turns out I’m actually NOT acclimated to New Zealand time after all, hence me sitting outside of the van by myself at 4:00 am, contemplating ALL the things.
Above me the sky was alive with light, the vast black behind the glitter providing the necessary contrast. The wispy clouds seemed to enjoy their part in this creative endeavor, dancing around, playfully shifting to change the scene every few minutes. The lake was doing her part to complete the pre-dawn canvas, gently offering herself as a mirror to the beauty towering above her.
It seems all this artistry was for me alone. I’m sure someone else was awake and enjoying it, however their view was uniquely different from my view. What a gift, the beauty we are allowed to experience.
The quiet helped my body catch up with my soul; words catching up with my feelings. There are some sadnesses my soul needs to hold space for, some regrets I’m seeking to understand, longings I’m wrestling to fulfill.
Wonder, awe, and beauty are supernatural tools God has provided for us in this battle to endure suffering, yet live with purpose here on earth. Our responsibility is to pick up those tools, wielding them against the dark forces. Those evil forces are tricksters, not showing up with horns and costumed red capes, but sneaking around in everyday loungewear. They taunt us to feel unfilled in our beautiful, ordinary lives, or confined to perfectionism, or smothered by the oppression of what others think of us.
I am not kidding, I woke up a couple of weeks ago and asked Chris, “What if I’m altogether the wrong kind of person?! What if I’m supposed to be a different, better person than I actually am?” He looked at me completely dumbfounded. Yet the question felt absolutely legitimate to me. I was caught up for a full day in a sad, dreary darkness, feeling I had somehow missed my calling. It appeared my task was to bow my head, accept my crown of wilted daisies and surrender in utter shame to my new title: The Lesser Christine: The Sad, Far Worse Version From What Christine Should Have Been.
Please tell me you have bad days like that too!? I mean, from what dark place do questions like that even originate?
We MUST harness our tools of beauty, wonder, and awe.
It’s a comfort to know God is grander than the beauty I’m experiencing here, yet intimate enough to know I was sitting by myself that early morning watching the scene play out. By myself but not ALONE. He knows where I sat, AND He was with me in it, as I wrestled with the sadnesses, regrets, and longings.
Be brave, my friends. Be brave to fight off that trickster who wants to tempt you to comparison instead of wonder, self-criticism instead of awe, “lesser than titles” instead of beauty.
In God’s Kingdom, His love provides us all with grander titles and more stunning crowns. Am I rejecting that shamed-based “lesser than” title? Yep. Am I tossing off that crown of wilted flowers? Absolutely
Will you join me in the rejecting and tossing?
